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SINK TO YOUR LEVEL
Girls, just put the seat down yourself. If we have to lift it
before we go, it’s only fair that you put it down before you do. Oh, but
life isn’t fair, that’s right! So who’s to say that men should
get the unfair end. I think it’s about time that women took the
unfair end … so that it can fair! Now, ladies, if you feel that this is a case of, “No, you just have to put
it down because I said so, because I want it that way and that’s the way
it’s supposed to be,” then you have abandoned the use of logic and
rationality there can be no way to compensate for living with you.
Without a set of standards and values, A cannot equal A, and
the whole system falls apart..
Unless you’re a tyrannical dictator currently in power, there’s no way you
can get away with things like this.
That
having been said, I DO lower the seat. Yes, I agree that
“down” is its natural state. I’m fine with lowering
the seat, but not because I was told so. And here’s
the thing … I close the lid, too! So, to all you women who
are self-deludingly blind in the “middle of the night” who demand the seat
be placed down so that you needn’t lower it yourself to avoid “falling
in”, well now you still have to lift the lid, don’t you, before you can
go. You can’t complain about that, can you? But if that
doesn’t sound too difficult, then why is lowering the seat such
a chore?
Besides, if it’s so dark in the bathroom that you can’t see whether
or not the seat is already down, I find it amazing that your aim in the
blackness was so impeccable that you hit the bowl dead on, thus falling
in. Just an observation … a shot in the dark, if you will.
FEELS JUST LIKE I’M FALLING FOR THE FIRST TIME
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does
it make a sound?
Interpretation #1 Yes. Sound is a physical
phenomenon: virtually countless streams of compressions and rarefactions
in the air. Like ripples in the water, but much smaller and faster,
sound waves travel from a source outward. Just outward, in all directions
it can. Things get in the way to dampen the amplitude (intensity
or volume, if you will) of the waves, but the sound will travel, endlessly.
The thing is, the volume of sound decreases exponentially the further
it has to travel, of course (I could give you equations, but that, I’m
sure, would just deter you from reading further). But, theoretically,
sound will go on forever. It will become negligibly loud, or virtually
silent, but it will still go on, dispersed though it may be. The
sensitivity of the receiver (your ears) really determines what is heard.
However, as is evident in the way a dog or cat can hear things we (humans,
just to clarify) can not, sound can exist despite the ability to hear it.
(Although, while certain styles of “music” are undoubtedly made up of sound,
I refuse to acknowledge their existence … but that’s another story altogether.)
A tree falls. Somewhere in between the tree standing and the tree
lying peacefully horizontal, it will necessarily have had to come in contact
with, if nothing else, the ground. The tree, not being in a state
of limbo, will necessarily have had to collide with the ground at a positive
and non-zero velocity. This can not be done without displacement
of, if nothing else, the air that existed in the tree’s resting place before
the tree came to be at rest. This displacement is sufficient to cause
sound … in fact, the displacement is the sound.
Displacement exists, therefore sound is made. Presence of a listener
in the immediate area is irrelevant … in fact, theoretically, at any distance,
with sufficient receiver sensitivity, a listener can indeed confirm the
existence of the tree’s sound. So either way.
Interpretation #2 No. Well, what is it to
exist? To exist, something must be experienced by an experiencer.
Thoughts exist, if only to the thinker of them. Potato chips exist,
if only to the masticating one who sees, feels, touches and/or ultimately
tastes them. The question isn’t so much, “… if no one is around to
hear it.” The pertinent question is, “… if you are
not around to hear it.”
Assume, for instance, that everyone in the world (including, for argument’s
sake, all animals, vegetables, minerals, Britney Spears fans, etc.) is
present at an accurately-predicted falling of a tree in a rather necessarily
roomy forest. Except you. You’re elsewhere. You didn’t
get the memo. Now, the tree, as scheduled, falls. Crash.
Boom. Rustle. Ooh … aah … Did you hear it? No.
Did everyone else hear it? Most of them would say they, in fact,
did (except, possibly for the headphone-wearing Britney fans who were preoccupied
with the fact that, oops, again she has done it, but that’s not important
right now).
But what does this prove? We, as a human species, have found that
“seeing is believing”, and little, short of that, is enough. “Oh,
I have to see this!” we say. We are an untrusting species.
In fact, many people are convinced that they, really, are the only person
in the world. If you don’t believe me, try driving the freeways of
sunny Southern California. So if you did not, personally, with your
own ears, consciously, undistractedly, hear the tree falling, then,
of course, it did not make a damn noise. (Although, solipsistic though
you may be, your more immediate, pressing concern is, “Where in name of
Descartes has everyone else gone?”)
ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, … RAW
HIDE!
The toilet paper roll is to be installed with the paper falling down
over the front. There is no argument here. The little flower
patterns are designed to be right side up. Period. Besides,
it is more efficient to remove the desired number of squares … although,
I will admit that this efficiency is subjective. But, either way,
the flowers are supposed to be right side up, damnit!
Do I create an issue when someone installs the roll backwards?
No. I merely fix it. For me. It’s no more difficult than,
say, lifting or lowering the toilet seat. Although, it is
easier than taking out the trash or cleaning the cat’s dirt box.
JUST CAN’T WAIT TO GET ON THE ROAD AGAIN
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
By definition, “a man” is, tautologically, “a man”. It says so
in the title. (A=A) I’ll illustrate: For a man to
become a saint, he must perform three miracles (or so I’ve heard).
So, a saint, by definition, has already succeeded in performing three miracles.
For a saint to become a saint, he needn’t do anything additional.
The prerequisites have been met. A saint is a saint. A rose
is a rose. I y’am what I y’am. By establishing the man as “a
man”, he is already, by definition, a man. Therefore, he needn’t
perform any actions to achieve the title with which he already has been
bestowed, including having to walk his po’ ass down any stretch of any
damned road!
Zero. The answer is “none”. No roads. Nil. Zip.
Zilch. Nada.
HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE ’TIL THE END, THANK YOU
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
The Initial Response:
It sounds just like a tree falling in a forest, when no one is around to
hear it, of course. The Semantic Response: Well, Merriam-Webster says that
to clap is to strike noisily, or to applaud. To applaud, I find out
after turning a few pages, means to clap. A clap (definition two)
is a sound made by clapping the hands … ah, now we’re getting somewhere.
It says right there, “hands,” plural! The act of clapping requires
more than one hand. A single hand performing the act of clapping
is an impossibility. But, really, we already knew that. The
Smart-Ass Response: It
makes the same exact sound as the other hand clapping!
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©2003 Brian Michael
Weidemann