Where are my roleplays? You know I've done some collaboration videos on other channels, but they don't appear on my channel. Is there a reason? Will this oversight ever be corrected?
When I was young, I wanted to be a rock star. To one day have the skills to impress people with a musical talent was an aspiration that many kids had, when holding a guitar. I spent decades in pursuit of those skills, and for the most part I actually acquired them! Along the way, a self-realization kicked in that I was SCARED of actually performing. To this day, I own a greater number of guitars than times I've ever stood on stage. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
The impetus to perform may be the motivation for people who become actors, the attention-seeking types who get honest fulfillment from entertaining a gathering of individuals in an audience. But for an introverted, autism-spectrum candidate like myself, the less attention I receive in any given moment, the more safe my soul feels. And, yet, I wanted to be a musician. Music fed me, inspired me, rocked me. And it needed to be done behind-the-scenes!
As an adult with half a lifetime of skills in audio recording, music production, video editing, and various other pertinent fields, I have a severe drive for creating. It is a creativity I absorb myself in. And alone. Only to be revealed to the world upon its completion so that I may sit back, hide, and hope to hear the appreciative voices of friends and fans tell me that they're, in the end, impressed. Have those voices come? … I think maybe the memos were sent, but perhaps I get the greater fulfillment from the creation, after all, than from the reception.
My approach to music has come to apply to the whole of my creative pursuits. While I engage myself with the tools and talents of creative work—and with the desire to perform being widely absent—putting myself front-and-center is an unfortunate byproduct, a necessary evil, an unwanted side-effect. It's no wonder that I've found comfort behind the scenes, where it's more fulfilling to be a support mechanism than a poster child, but along the way I've had to set my ego aside in order to succumb to allowing my face out there, despite my best efforts.
In the spirit of "the experiment", I have nevertheless dabbled in making content that relies on the focus of such a persona, a face, a character. In the same manner that I may once have written lyrics for the sole reason that "songs need lyrics, right?", then I must put on a costume, grab a prop, and flip the camera screen around … because "ASMR videos need a face, right?"
It hasn't always been comfortable, but I think I always made it fun. And as it's in the service of the pursuit of the acquisition of the property of the feeling of relaxation … it's easy to frame the entire ordeal as itself relaxing.
But now we come to the question of context. In the same manner as a fan may desire to hear a song's stems, the isolated tracked instruments and vocals from their favorite pop hit, so too may the severed segments from a mega-collab have a place on the internet for such consumption. My channel, though, is not conceived as a "sausage-is-made" exposé, nor a collection of disembodied elements. My roleplay videos, produced for the purpose of being part of a larger narrative, or a themed project, just don't stand on their own in any way I would be contented, let alone proud, to share.
Being more comfortable as a contributor rather than a cornerstone, I would much rather direct the entirety of the attention to the wonderful channels of the various hosts, and to the gargantuan efforts made by ALL participants in the form of the full thing we were making! During the productions, the respective group-chats were overflowing with ideas and suggestions, with humor and excitement, and with the collaborative energy of everyone involved. And it's only in the entirety of the experiences that I believe this energy can shine as intended.
In any case, the aim for my channel is not to be a "show" with my persona as the face of my brand. I don't intend to harness a schedule of regular uploads, where similar recreations are painstakingly fed out to the system; this is a tactic used for growth, and the growth itself will never be my goal. My brand is not my face or my personality, but rather a vibe, a sound, an experience. And the channel is a resource, a support system, a library. Check out some of my books, and enjoy the adventure as you learn where else there is to go. Why, look, here are some links coming up below! …
Since I don't have my individual segments on my own channel, they can only be seen in the projects (and thus the original contexts) for which they were designed, the most notable listed individually below. This playlist, however, contains many more entries than the roleplays, as I've composed and contributed a great deal of music and other forms of participation in collaborations over the years. Aren't you glad you decided to research this here?
Hosted by Jodie Marie ASMR, Premiered Dec. 1, 2020, featuring an alluring lineup of 20 performers. Not Quite NSFW, but adult themes lurk in the alleys. My first foray into roleplay.
Hosted by Rayna Tamarin ASMR, Premiered August 21, 2021, featuring 10 campy session leaders. As musical director, I take you into the wilderness of choir singing. Music by Worldbri ASMR!
Hosted by Shhheila ASMR, Premiered October 24, 2021, featuring 8 creepy creatures. Music by Worldbri ASMR!
Hosted by Jodie Marie ASMR, Premiered on May 21, 2021, featuring 20 superlative students, too cool for their own good. Of course I bring instruments to class!
Astute readers may feel compelled to call me out … for having the temerity … to post my surgically removed soundtracks! And righteous they should indeed feel, for it's unlikely that the rarity of an inconsistency on the internet should be ignored!
The simple truth is that music soundtracks are often actually consumed on their own. Musical score is simultaneously a background bed, as well as an ephemeral context of itself. Music is emotion and can transcend meaning, or evolve in the mind to represent new directions and old habits simultaneously. Pure instrumental sound is an ocean. … and other metaphorical hogwash. Frankly, the soundtracks are something I'm very proud of; while I'm ecstatic to direct and link to the full videos for which they were composed as my primary mission, there IS so much more that can be appreciated in the music on its own. A "deleted scene" of me talking about characters you've never heard of, however, is not a piece to be mounted on a gallery wall.
Thank you for reading!